A Pair of Shoes
I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them,
and each day
I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes
hurt so bad
that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to
wear them.
I get funny looks
wearing these
shoes.
They are looks of
sympathy.
I can tell in others
eyes that
they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about
my shoes.
To learn how awful my
shoes are,
might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand
these shoes,
you must walk in them.
But, once you put
them on, you
can never take them off.
I now realize that I
am not the
only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs
in this
world.
Some women are like
me and ache
daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how
to walk in
them so they don’t hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the
shoes so long
that days will go by before they
think about how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to
wear these
shoes.
Yet, because of these
shoes, I am a
stronger woman.
These shoes have
given me the
strength to face anything.
They have made me who
I am.
I will forever walk
in the shoes
of a woman who has lost a child.
There is something
sacred about this poem, something that only certain people will
understand.
After the unthinkable has happened to you, the one
thing you have feared since the day your children is born, I cannot help to
wonder what the purpose of the things we keep ourselves busy with can be? What
is the purpose of waking up in the morning, what is the purpose of routine, the
purpose of giving your best, trying to keep your sanity? One continuously
search for meaning. Unfortunately, not a single soul in this world can help you
with what you need. That is inner peace, redirecting your life in such a manner
that you can breathe again.
What does it mean to
be happy, to be positive, and to be focused? The onus is on you and how you
define happiness. You will be the person you decide to be. It hit me hard when
I realized that when I do have a moment of joy or catch myself smile at
something after what has happened to us, it does not make me love my beautiful
daughter less and does not take away any other emotion. She would want to see
us live our life the way she did it. She lived each day with enthusiasm and to
the fullest.
I have always been fascinated
by babies’ feet and have a habit of always want to touch their little feet. I
always wondered which path my children would walk on this earth, and the
crossroads they will encounter during their lives. Symbolic, our precious daughter
was running into Heaven. How could I have predicted that it would be her little
feet, which would take her to our final home?
On my unknown
journey the past nearly two years, I have experienced emotions I never knew
existed. I have done things I never did before.
It is as if I have the urge to live life in a way my daughter did, to
continue honouring her, to keep her alive in my soul. My life has made a
180-degree turn. You outgrow things, people and the interests you had before.
Your entire life has changed into a before and after. Conversations are
different from what use to catch your attention.
Our mind
instinctively analyses its surroundings, in what we see, or should I rather say
what we choose to see? The same way you see life happening for the positive around
you, you can also see the hurt and sadness. I had an encounter not so long ago
in a supermarket on my way home. Occupied with my thoughts, I happen to see one
of my favourite hot beverages discontinued for a few years. As I took it, my
eyes met with a woman passing me. I dared to ask her a question. Our conversation
was about our daughters, which had both passed away. It was a good conversation,
a conversation where two strangers needed to talk about what we desperately
need to talk about, and I knew she understood on a level that only someone who
knew could.
This road of loss,
grief is mine to walk, live, breathe, to embrace. Some days I only live in the
moment, and then days will arrive at to remember. Then there are days I try to
hide from the world, afraid of living because it hurts so much. The reality is things
never get back to the way they were. No matter what you do, it change, and it
is up to you how you embrace the change. In a strange way, it gives you a softer
outlook on life, a more content approach.
How the world and
what is happening have changed since the day our lives have altered forever.
The death of a child is considered the single worst stressor a person can go through.
One day this is going to be over - can you imagine that day? How we will come
out into the sun, laugh, hug, sing, and dance and hold hands. I am living for
that day. It will be like nothing we have experienced.
Until that day,
follow your heart, listen to your inner voice and go where your spirit guides
you.
Because if you believe, signs turn up everywhere.
Kind regards,
Liesel