Blog – DragonFly 450

Reflections

You look sad today?

Hmm, I am sad every day, but today I do not have the energy to hide it.

In my country, we have a day dedicated to our parents, it is two different days in the year, namely Mother’s Day and Father’s Day. As a little girl, it made me happy to be able to do something special for my parents on those days. Whether it was a breakfast treat in bed, a small gift or to make them feel special by doing a little bit more on those days. My children did the same for me, and my precious son still does that for me. He is the most humble, considerate, kind-hearted, unselfish person with a heart of gold, and a sense of humour that I know.

For some of us, these days consist of mixed emotions.

I am so proud and grateful for my two blessings, my children. Then the sadness creeps in like a thief, unexpected, with no warning, the sadness is overwhelming. My beautiful Melinde, ‘’I miss you in ways I did not know existed,” you are a longing woven deep into my DNA, it is a mental and physical ache. This hole in my heart is the shape of you, and no one else will ever fit in it.

Mentioning my daughter’s name may bring tears to my eyes, but it never fails to bring music to my ears. Let me hear the beautiful music of her name. It soothes my broken heart and sings to my soul. When I lost my precious daughter, indescribably cherished and irreplaceable, it did not eliminate the fact that I have two children. I have two children, my son here with me on earth and my daughter, my Baby Angel in heaven.

A few years ago, I received an offer for a position at a company I had my eye on. The salary package was good, but it was long hours. Initially, I enjoyed it and I gave my best, but I missed time with my children. During a conversation with my father, I mentioned that it bothered me that I miss them a lot, and I am unsure if I had made the right decision. I am forever grateful to him for the advice he gave me. My father told me that all the money in the world could never buy back lost time with my children. I changed work not long after our conversation.

We all want to be successful, be financially free, and independent, but is this what the world has come to? Do the things that we keep ourselves busy with, have eternal value? Are we giving our best to give our children the best? I am not talking about material things, I am referring to attention, being there for them every step of the way. Do we pay attention to their needs? Time is precious, but time can be cruel. What will our children say about us one day when we are not here anymore? Will they remember the good memories you made with them, or will they remember the long hours we had to work, being absent, waiting for you to come home from work?

What I am trying to say is that our children are small for such a brief period, and then they will live their lives, we need to make sure that we give our best so that they have fond and good memories.

Protecting my children is something I will continue to do for as long as I live. No one knows your child like you do, and it is up to us their parents to look out for them. Every obstacle and challenge in the past have shaped me into the person I am today. And I am not afraid to speak up. Yes, I have changed, because life is unpredictable, tomorrow might be too late. The strongest person in the world is a grieving mother that wakes up and keeps going every morning.

Enjoy every season of your life, because time is the one thing you can never get back.

Because if you believe, signs turn up everywhere.

Kind regards,

Liesel

Roads

When you lose someone you love, your life becomes strange. The ground beneath you becomes fragile. Your thoughts make your eyes unsure, and some dead echo drags your voice down where words have no confidence. Your heart has grown heavy with loss and though this loss has wounded others too, no one knows what has been taken from you.

I never knew the meaning of true heartbreak, I never knew I could be so lonely, I never knew my life could change so much, I never knew my heart could hurt this way, I never knew I would still be here without you, I never knew such extreme pain. I never knew until God took you. What I do know is that I miss you! I miss you in ways that not even words can understand.

They say everyone is afraid of dying, but when you lose one of your children, you become afraid of living. Because living without one of your children is the closest thing you get to hell on earth.

But I must believe that you still exist somewhere. That you still watch me sometimes, that you still love me somehow. I must believe that life has meaning somehow. That I am useful here sometimes, that I make slight differences somewhere. I must believe that I need to stay here for some time. That all this teaches me something. So that I can meet you again …… somewhere.

Interesting enough, when I look at the map of our hometown, the hospital where my children were born is situated in one of the main roads leading to central town. Driving in the opposite direction to the N1, which is the main road that will lead you to the most Northern and Southern part of my country. From the hospital driving towards the N1 approximately 3km, you will find the University’s sport grounds where my precious daughter passed away. From that exact place, you proceed towards the N1 a further 3km, there you will find our church where we held my precious daughters memorial service. Six kilometres, on the exact same road, I experienced my greatest joys and my most heart-breaking life altering and life changing events.

In my post – ‘A Pair of Shoes’ I wrote the following: ‘’I have always been fascinated by babies’ feet and have a habit of always wanting to touch their little feet. I always wondered which path my children would walk on this earth, and the crossroads they will encounter during their lives. Symbolic, our precious daughter was running into Heaven. How could I have predicted that it would be her little feet, which would take her to our final home? ‘’

My precious son, on the verge of adulthood, is starting to spread his wings. I am extremely proud of him. The path he will walk, will be a path to experience life, the good the bad and the ugly. No matter how we want to protect and help our children, this is life. Since the early days, I was at times an over protecting parent. It felt as if I could wrap my precious children in cottonwool to forever protect them from life as we know it.

Recently, my son and I went to visit our family in Pretoria. I had the privilege to experience the most beautiful sunrise in the early morning while my son took a nap. Appreciating the breath-taking sunrise, my thoughts were once again busy analysing. Sunrise and sunsets, the beginning of another day and the conclusion of it. That is life, everything has a beginning and an end.

What road are you on? Is it a road to be proud of?

You will survive and you will find purpose in the chaos. Moving on does not mean letting go. It is difficult to not question the scenery, but I believe it will be worth the road trip.

Because if you believe, signs turn up everywhere.

Kind regards,

Liesel

A letter from your child in heaven.

I read the following letter a few months ago. I am posting it with the blessings of the author herself. It was as if my daughter wrote this letter to me. I trust that you view it from the same or a similar perspective as myself.

Letter from your child in Heaven – Author – Fara Gibson

I wanted to send you a letter from Heaven because I see how difficult your days and nights have become for you and the family since I passed. I hear you asking why it is that I had to go to Heaven before you. You say, “How can it be possible for my child to pass before me!!??” I see the anger, the pain, the guilt, the frustration. I see the tears that you cry on your cheeks and in your soul every day since I Passed to Heaven. I have heard you ask God to take you as well so that you can be at my side in Heaven because you miss me so much. I see the struggle you have to get out of bed every morning. I know that when your feet hit the floor each day, I am the first thought that enters your mind. I also know that as you lie in bed at night, I am the last thought you have before you go to sleep. I see you find it almost impossible to simply be a part of the family now that you feel a piece of that family is “Missing”. I hear you scream at the top of your lungs when no one else is around to hear your cries. I know that your body physically aches with no explanation of where that pain comes from and since no one else can see that pain, they simply can’t understand it. I see the people in your life begin to get back to their routines and you wonder how that is even possible, how on earth does the world not stop to let you catch your breath? The reason I am sending this letter from Heaven is because, I Love You, and today I want to help you to build a relationship with my soul.

The first thing you should know when it comes to me, is I’m Perfect in Every Way. There is no pain in Heaven. There are no negative thoughts, feelings, or emotions here in Heaven either. If you take the most perfect that you could ever imagine me to be and multiply that by infinity, then you may come close to knowing how perfect I am. I want you to take a “Step back to spirit” for a minute. I have learned so much since the moment that I passed and I want to share that knowledge with you because the more you know, the less you will fear in life. You and I knew each other in Heaven for an Eternity before we lived this life together. You wrote your life long before you came here. Within your life’s path, you wrote obstacles so that your soul could learn and grow through your journey. You wrote within your life for me to be your child. You and I wrote this part together, you see because I also wrote you into my life to be my parent, best choice I ever made by the way…. I wanted you as my parent because you could give me all the love and support that my soul needed in life to reach its growth that I intended. We were going to share this journey together you and I and it was a pact we made long before we came here. Each and every one of us lives to grow our soul. That growth comes from our struggles and obstacles in life and this is the part of my letter that is going to be most important for you to understand. “I never died that day……. “ . The day that I passed to Heaven, my soul wasn’t touched by my passing. I am still just as alive as I was before I came to share my life with you. You see, my soul had reached the growth that I had intended for myself. I set that goal of growth for my soul long before I came to live this life and that day, when I reached the goal I had intended for my soul, I simply “Graduated to Heaven” before you. My Soul was so perfect in that moment, that nothing in this Universe could have changed my Graduation that day. It was such an amazing day for me, although I know it was the HARDEST day you have ever lived in life. The day that I Graduated to Heaven, I Blessed you on your Journey…. I know, it didn’t feel like a Blessing but, I want to explain. I Blessed you with more Strength and Love than you ever knew you could carry in this world. I Blessed your Soul with Growth that it never would have achieved without my Graduation that day. This is the moment in my letter where I want you to be proud. I want you to be proud of your strength, because spirits with your strength can move mountains with their baby finger. Only the strongest of spirits write the most difficult paths and you have written one of the most difficult paths ever to be lived…. A path that you continue while I am in Heaven…… I know, this is the moment that you wonder why on Earth you would plan to have a child pass? Why in the world would a parent plan this? How could I plan for this pain?? I have to remind you that without our struggles, we don’t find strength and YOU are one of the strongest souls I know…… I’m so proud to call you my parent.

I know you are probably thinking there is no possible way that I planned my own Graduation to happen when I was so young and if I had, then “Why did I pass that way??!!!” I want to explain that to you as well. On a human level where you are, my passing is devastating. The thought of my passing, how I passed, was there pain, did I suffer, runs through your mind each and every day. For me, it became part of my Amazing Story and Legacy from the moment that I passed. See, spirits here have all kinds of stories to tell of how they arrived to Heaven. Each Graduation is so different. Some of these spirits had Cancer. Some of them passed in accidents. Some of them have had their lives taken by others. Some had Alzheimer’s. Some lived a long long long life and simply Graduated because of their age. Some spirts here passed before they were born and they were blessings of love and growth for parents that never had an opportunity to meet them in the physical world. Each and every spirit here has a story to tell of how they graduated, just like Me. My story is my favourite of course, well, because it is mine. Not everyone has a story the same as mine and not everyone has you included in their story and you are really important in my story. Plus, my spirit, was completely untouched by my Graduation. I know my body is the part of me that you feel so connected to, but I want you to know that my soul is more connected to you than you could ever dream. Although my body doesn’t carry on since my Graduation, my soul is still very much alive. Remember when I said that your soul knew my soul before we came there to live together. Well, your soul still knows my soul even though I am in Heaven and your soul will know my soul just the same someday when you return to Heaven too. Oh yes, we will be together again. Nothing in the Universe could keep us apart from one another. Your life that you continue to live is but a blink of an eye for us in Heaven. Heaven doesn’t have any sense of Time because it is an Eternally Beautiful Place and so, although it seems like forever for you while you miss me, just know that for me here in Heaven, it is different.

I see you from Heaven every single day that you live. I want you to understand where I am, so right now, please look down at the floor…. Now, go up 3 feet from your floor and stop right there!!!! That is where Heaven’s floor is!!! Yes, Heaven is only 3 feet off of your floor!!! I am all around you. I am in the space to your side and in front of you and behind you. It is the reason that I can see and hear you every moment while still enjoying the beautiful perfection of Heaven with God at the same time. I know you wonder if I can hear you and not only can I hear your words, but I also hear your thoughts too! Thoughts are made with your soul and here in Heaven we speak with our souls, so it is really simple for us to receive every thought you think to us. I hear you think of me in the morning and I hear you think of me at night too. I know you say that you want me back, but what I am trying to tell you is that I never left you. I am still right at your side cheering you on with every step you take in life. I stand at your side and lend you comfort in your difficult times too. I also think it is important that you know that I am not alone in Heaven. Every loved one in our family that passed is at my side. There are even loved ones here that you don’t remember in life but the moment that I got here, my soul knew them and we all love you so much!

Oh, and the signs I send!!!! Yeah, we are limitless when it comes to sending you signs from Heaven. So, any time that you see something that catches your eye and reminds you of me, please know it is my way of letting you know I am there at your side from Heaven. Let go of your self-doubt when you see my signs because it is really easy for your self-doubt to tell you it wasn’t from me, but I promise it was. I know, sometimes your grief is so so so deep that you don’t see my signs that I am sending you and that is okay. Grief clouds your ability to see the beauty in this world and that is really normal, so, don’t you worry, because I will just keep sending signs from Heaven until you can see them. If there is a break between my signs, it doesn’t mean that I am not there, it just means that I am giving you a little space to spread your wings as you grow through your grief, but I promise I haven’t left you.

I am the sun upon your face, I am the wind within your hair, I am the wings of birds in flight, and I will always be right there. You gave me the foundation I needed in life to succeed even if you didn’t realize it. You are such an amazing part of my Legacy and I am such an amazing part of your legacy. Someday, all of this will make sense. I know it hurts right now, but, I want you to know that you and I have a soul’s bond that is unbreakable. When you sit in silence and feel you are pretending what I would say in your thoughts, please know that is really me. When you sleep at night and you see me in your dreams, it is my soul spending time with your soul as your body gets the rest it needs, yes, that is really me with you. If you don’t remember seeing me in your dreams, that is okay, I will keep coming so don’t you worry. That is just your grief clouding your ability to enjoy beauty again and it is really normal. Don’t ever let anyone tell you that you are grieving wrong because you are living and living isn’t an easy thing to do and there is no wrong way of grieving.

You still have life to live and I want you to know that within every day that you live, I will be there. You are growing through every day that you walk in your path and I am so proud of your growth. I know that sometimes you feel like the world is passing you by, but even on those days, you really are doing your very best and I think you are pretty amazing. I want nothing in this world from you, but for you to find your smile and do all that makes you happy. Chase your dreams and know that as you do, I am right here at your side. Live your life in honour of me because I live my life through your eyes every day that you live.

I know you love me and please know how much I love you too. I couldn’t ask for a better parent to share my life with.

All of my Love,

Your Precious Child in Heaven

Because if you believe, signs turn up everywhere.

Kind regards,

Liesel

I miss you in a way that is changing me

Since I can remember, my mother walked me to my bedroom at night to put me in bed. I recall asking my mother if she was afraid of the dark. She explained that there is no reason to be fearful and we get anxious because we cannot see in the dark. I understood it for what it meant to me then. As I grew older, I have concluded that my parents did not raise me with a fearful heart, and for this, I am forever grateful, now more than ever before.

I dare to say that I am not a person with an anxious heart, and I do not get scared for any reason, but I experienced real fear for the first time when my precious daughter passed away. I felt uncertain and terrified at the same time. As if there were a landscape of emotions in the unknown since my daughter wasn't here with me. I felt lost and experienced loneliness on another level. What happened to my daughter was wrong in every sense. It had to be me before Melinde'?

What to do next? How do I go on into the unknown, was a thought constantly repeating in my mind? You do your best to act and function as expected by society. But subconsciously you observe your surroundings more intensely, analyse people on another level, and you become selective in the conversations you engage yourself in. I have changed, pain does that to people. I have learnt the hard way to pretend that I am okay, it is easier than having to explain why I am not. If you think seeing your child grow up to fast is hard? Imagine not seeing them grow up at all.

For my son, I had to find a way to keep going, to quit was not an option. Experiencing this lonely, sometimes scary, very unpredictable road, full of trial and error, you have to push forward.

"I have learned that you can keep going long after you think you can't." One of Melinde's quotes to me. Little did I know the impact it would have on my life going forward. To live life is to move with all its joys and sorrows.

I had to find a way to live with Melinde' in my heart instead of in my arms. My daughter's attitude towards life was with great enthusiasm and energy. She was not afraid to take on a new challenge. At the tender age of 13, she had a bucket list. I decided to do my daughter's bucket list, one goal at a time.

We are all getting older, more the reason to do the things that make you feel most alive. Find the things that ignite your soul. Fundamentally, those things need to be present in our lives or else our psychological fabric begins to wear away. Time takes on a new meaning after following the loss of your child. Time often seems to stand still, yet it has been 32 months for me. Time has been divided into a before and after but it is the continued progress of existence and events in the past, present and future. To protect myself, I had to obtain a different perspective, I had to use my grief and reflection to re-build my life.

I often hear people say they do not know how I do it. The answer is simple, I was not given a choice. You eliminate everything you ever knew or rather thought you knew about death. Then slowly as time passes, you come to an understanding of what death means to you.

As much as I loved and wanted only the best for my daughter, I know she wants the same for me. So, what better way than to push through and live to honour my precious beautiful Baby Angel, in heaven.

The purpose of life after all is to live it, to taste experience to the utmost, to reach out eagerly and without fear for newer and richer experience.

Enjoy the change in season and start doing that bucket list.

Because if you believe, signs turn up everywhere.

Kind regards,

Liesel

Faith in God includes faith in His timing.

Faith in God includes faith in His timing.

I have lost enough to not need another lesson in heartache again.

-Autumn

It did not kill me, but something died inside me. To lose your child hurts like hell it is your reality to live with for the rest of your life. After what happened, to say goodbye to our precious daughter 27 months ago, everything has changed. Never will it be the same. My fear of death has vanished as if I have become fearless. Never will I be able to return to the person I once were. I now live my life, which is on another level. A life not based on what if, a life where you let the tide take you, and you embrace every single moment, a life to choose what works for you and whatnot, a life to live to the fullest and do what makes you feel alive. You live every single day while walking this planet called earth. It is up to you how you write your story.

Our son has started his career, and as I mentioned before, indeed our greatest blessing. To have the privilege to see how this beautiful inside and out Son of ours is evolving in a charming, confident, independent, courageous, kind-hearted, sincere, responsible young man. To be able to be part of and witness every stage of his life. All of the mentioned characteristics present since the beginning, and it is just beautiful to see how he use his gifts and blessings. I can only imagine how our daughter would have evolved further. I can only imagine!

The wonder of how God works is that He already has people in place to be there for you during dark times in your life. People have crossed my path in the past, and for them, I am forever grateful. The way you programme your brain, what thoughts you feed yourself, is what will ultimately happen to you.

A few months ago, I had the choice to open myself for either hurt or a blessing. Little did I know that the road I decided to take changed my life.

I was privileged with an opportunity to live in the hostel and have to do shifts, certain days of the week and weekends, at the same school I graduated from many years ago. Initially, it was a frightening thought. I did not know how my emotions would react to girls my daughter's age, frequent interaction, conversations, and routine chores. It has been eight months since I started there, and I would not have it any other way. You receive energy from children so pure and honest. In our world today, many have changed. In comparison to 30 years ago, we all know that the responsibility on our children is much higher. Children's reactions to situations, their innocence, do not lie.

No one could ever replace my precious daughter, and I know that she is with me every step of the way. What we are afraid of doing may be what we desperately need to go on. Our minds are our own worst enemy I have learned that the hard way the past 27 months. In addition, I choose to live life! Make changes, be the change, nobody is you, and nobody can live your life for you.

Life is beautiful, and then it is dreadful, and then it is wondrous again. And between the amazing and not so beautiful, it is ordinary, mundane, and routine. Breathe in the amazing, hold on through the awful, relax, and exhale during the normal. That is just living a heart-breaking soul healing, amazing, not so beautiful, ordinary life. And it is breathtakingly

beautiful.

Because if you believe, signs turn up everywhere.

Kind regards,

Liesel

A Pair of Shoes

I am wearing a pair of shoes.

They are ugly shoes.

Uncomfortable shoes.

I hate my shoes.

Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.

Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.

Yet, I continue to wear them.

I get funny looks wearing these shoes.

They are looks of sympathy.

I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.

They never talk about my shoes.

To learn how awful my shoes are, might make them uncomfortable.

To truly understand these shoes, you must walk in them.

But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.

I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.

There are many pairs in this world.

Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.

Some have learned how to walk in them so they don’t hurt quite as much.

Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they

think about how much they hurt.

No woman deserves to wear these shoes.

Yet, because of these shoes, I am a stronger woman.

These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.

They have made me who I am.

I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.

There is something sacred about this poem, something that only certain people will understand.

After the unthinkable has happened to you, the one thing you have feared since the day your children is born, I cannot help to wonder what the purpose of the things we keep ourselves busy with can be? What is the purpose of waking up in the morning, what is the purpose of routine, the purpose of giving your best, trying to keep your sanity? One continuously search for meaning. Unfortunately, not a single soul in this world can help you with what you need. That is inner peace, redirecting your life in such a manner that you can breathe again.

What does it mean to be happy, to be positive, and to be focused? The onus is on you and how you define happiness. You will be the person you decide to be. It hit me hard when I realized that when I do have a moment of joy or catch myself smile at something after what has happened to us, it does not make me love my beautiful daughter less and does not take away any other emotion. She would want to see us live our life the way she did it. She lived each day with enthusiasm and to the fullest.

I have always been fascinated by babies’ feet and have a habit of always want to touch their little feet. I always wondered which path my children would walk on this earth, and the crossroads they will encounter during their lives. Symbolic, our precious daughter was running into Heaven. How could I have predicted that it would be her little feet, which would take her to our final home?

On my unknown journey the past nearly two years, I have experienced emotions I never knew existed. I have done things I never did before. It is as if I have the urge to live life in a way my daughter did, to continue honouring her, to keep her alive in my soul. My life has made a 180-degree turn. You outgrow things, people and the interests you had before. Your entire life has changed into a before and after. Conversations are different from what use to catch your attention.

Our mind instinctively analyses its surroundings, in what we see, or should I rather say what we choose to see? The same way you see life happening for the positive around you, you can also see the hurt and sadness. I had an encounter not so long ago in a supermarket on my way home. Occupied with my thoughts, I happen to see one of my favourite hot beverages discontinued for a few years. As I took it, my eyes met with a woman passing me. I dared to ask her a question. Our conversation was about our daughters, which had both passed away. It was a good conversation, a conversation where two strangers needed to talk about what we desperately need to talk about, and I knew she understood on a level that only someone who knew could.

This road of loss, grief is mine to walk, live, breathe, to embrace. Some days I only live in the moment, and then days will arrive at to remember. Then there are days I try to hide from the world, afraid of living because it hurts so much. The reality is things never get back to the way they were. No matter what you do, it change, and it is up to you how you embrace the change. In a strange way, it gives you a softer outlook on life, a more content approach.

How the world and what is happening have changed since the day our lives have altered forever. The death of a child is considered the single worst stressor a person can go through. One day this is going to be over - can you imagine that day? How we will come out into the sun, laugh, hug, sing, and dance and hold hands. I am living for that day. It will be like nothing we have experienced.

Until that day, follow your heart, listen to your inner voice and go where your spirit guides you.

Because if you believe, signs turn up everywhere.

Kind regards,

Liesel

Changing Seasons

"There are seasons that ask questions and seasons that answer."

"When things change inside you, things change around you."

What will I give to hold you, see you, hear you call my name?

As I reflect on the past 16 months, much has happened. I can not help to wonder what you experience as you see what is happening here on earth. What would you want to say to us?

As a child, the thought of our yearly Summer vacations over Christmas, the festive season, was the inspiration to give your best the last quarter of the year. Also known as the silly season. But for many of us, undoubtfully the season and time to reflect on our lives during the past year.

Our precious son is entering a new season of his life, finalizing his school education. Indeed our greatest blessing. I can recall plus minus 17 years ago when we had to run some errands, and a noticeable elderly gentleman walked up to me while our son was sleeping in his stroller. He looked at my precious baby with a soft smile and made the following comment: "He is very content, isn't he?"

According to the Cambridge Dictionary, the meaning of content are as follows: "Pleased with your situation and not hoping for change or improvement." In a sense itself, content is a powerful word. Reflecting on the last 16 months, analysing everything that has happened around us and the world we live in, I am starting to think that new-born babies and angels in heaven are the most content souls.

A well known saying, that time heals all wounds. I prefer to disagree with that, because the truth is, every morning one wakes up only to realize that one of your children has passed away. Each one of us has lost someone different.

As time went by, it became more difficult to open my daughter's cupboards, facing her earthly belongings. One desperately tries to keep every memory of what she had done, touching everything with her fingerprints on, the smell of her, how organized she was. I realized that I needed to force myself to rearrange my children's belongings I kept since the early days.

The date was the weekend of 6, 7, and 8th November 2020. On Wednesday the 4th, a Dragonfly greeted me as I helped out at our reception desk at work, the first thing that morning. During the following day, I crossed paths with indeed 2 Dragonflies on my way to my storeroom at work. It came as no surprise to me when yet another Dragonfly appeared in my kitchen Friday evening November the 6th.

With determination yet being uncertain of my own emotions, I took on the task. I have set a date when I will commence, and it was time to begin. Each storage crate I opened had a different impact on me, reliving all the precious memories. It was as clear as daylight in my thoughts.

Sunday evening, I stepped out of the area, drained by being confronted with all the confusing emotions, only to be embraced by the most beautiful sunset.

No one on earth can give us answers. But if you look around, signs can turn up from anywhere. To be given even just for that moment, a part of our loved one. You see and experience everything differently. Embrace and nurture that moment.

Because if you believe, signs turn up everywhere.

Remember the true meaning of Christmas and enjoy time with your loved ones.

Kind regards,

Liesel

A Picture Paints a Thousand Words♡

Our Son turned 18 on 25 August. One cannot help to wonder where the time has gone. I remember every emotion and thought relating my pregnancies, both with my Son and Daughter. The joy, the gratefulness, the excitement.

You experience their remarkable development from being pregnant, the new-born stage, teething, laughs, becoming aware of their surroundings, the sound of their voice and the beauty of this bundle of the purest miracle one can think of, your child.

God knew you before you were born. He knew who He wanted your parents to be. He knew your date of birth and your last date on earth. That is why I believe that we as human beings do not need to know what the future has in store for us.

I want to share a remarkable story of an experience I had a few months ago.

In April of this year, I had to have emergency surgery. The same hospital where I gave birth to both my Son and Daughter. With our sons birth, I was in room 7 in the maternity ward, a private room, and with our daughters birth, it was room 6.

Our Son was born on a Sunday and our daughter was born on a Friday, both in the afternoon. We had to say goodbye to our precious Melinde’ on a Friday afternoon.

In April of this year, it was no surprise to me that it was room 6, the precise room when our precious Melindé was born. The sister in charge was also the sister on duty when Melindé was born in 2006 and a school friend. It was so comforting and to no surprise that is was that specific room. I noticed the blue carpet, was replaced with beige coloured vinyl flooring. Without giving much attention to detail, just gratitude that it was room 6.

The day after my surgery, I found myself analysing the room in much more detail than the previous day. While studying the painting on the wall across my bed, it struck me that the girl in the art painting was a remarkable resemblance to my daughter. Especially her signature smile!

I took a photo and forwarded it to my sister living in Houtbay, 1000km away from me. She immediately phoned me and suggested that I buy the painting. She paid her neighbour who happens to work for the same hospital group at their head office in Cape Town, a visit.

Later that day, the Patient Experience Manager, one incredible person, visited me. She introduced herself and said she received a phone call. She explained that she was very touched and deeply moved by what happened to our daughter. She also did counselling on the paramedic who received the call-out on 2 August 2019.

Immediately I realised that this was not just any visit. The lady informed me that the hospital decided to donate the painting to me. I was astonished, so many emotions exploded within me. As if, our precious Melindé arranged the outcome. The art painting - when she was born until after my surgery - the art painting, went home with me.

Because I am a curious person, I felt the need to get in contact with the artist. I had many questions to ask. What was the inspiration behind the girl in the painting, her smile, her brown hair? I just had to know it all.

It was not a local artist as I initially expected, but an 81-year-old from the United Kingdom. Mr Gordon King. He was eager to answer all my questions regarding the painting, which was part of a collection he painted in 1986. It is part of his collection - The Arches.

He could not believe the resemblance. He explained to me that the models or in artists terms - subjects - he used were friends of his children. He did all the paintings in his garden. He originally named the collection - Flower girls.

I am forever thankful for Mr Gordon King, for making the time to answer all my questions. In my opinion, not a stranger on the other side of the world, rather a person who became a significant part of my journey.

Time is precious, but time can be cruel. We are not certain about tomorrow, but what we can be sure of, is that memories are priceless. Most of the time, the best experiences are born out of something ordinary. You only need to open your heart to your surroundings. Study it, breathe it, feel it.

Because if you believe, signs turn up everywhere.

Make time to make precious memories!

Kindest regards,

Liesel

To my children... If I had to choose between loving you and breathing, I would use my last breath to tell you... I LOVE YOU.

I will be ok, just not today – Mizpah.

Then this happens without any warning. The raw emotions surface again, like so many times before. You find yourself reading snippets of this and that. Anything to try to make the hurt/emptiness a little less hurtful and empty. What does it mean to hurt a little less? Is it even possible to hurt a little less? The question has crossed my mind if one can ever find closure after you had to let go of your child, your heartbeat, your breath, your reason for trying harder.

Then the memories. Early morning lunchbox preparations, planning everything around schoolwork, project timelines, oral rehearsals, preparing for examinations, to stay awake with them until late at night because you feel selfish if you can relax and go to sleep while your child is still preparing for the next day in class. Sports day events, their growth in getting independent gradually. Weekend and holiday planning. Walking into a clothing store only to realise the reason was that you saw an outfit that suites her taste. I find myself walking into a grocery store, directly to the fruit section to pick her favourite fruits.

To hear, I love you mommy, you are my BFF, we will be besties forever, the spontaneous kiss on the cheek, the girly chats we had in her room, daydreaming about everything, her dreams, her worries, career choices, and the list is endless. How can you close the part of your life that bought you so much joy and fulfilment? Future memories supposed to be, which will never be. You can only imagine what it could have been.

You wake up in the morning with your to-do list ready. You take the to-do list on with determination and hope that you can complete at least one of the written chores identified by yourself. You feel proud of yourself if you have completed at least one. Unconsciously you are keeping a record on how you are trying to improve to become the in charge, the hands-on person you once were. Again the before and after awareness. The to-do list is changing into a to-do, when I feel like it, maybe tomorrow, shortly, is it necessary, whatever, whenever, does it have eternal value?

I find myself replaying the day our Angel seized to play. It happens daily. One moment that I do remember and never will forget was the moment the doctor on call informed us that our beautiful Melinde’s heart stopped, it has been to long……., they cannot do anything more, and mine kept on beating. The meaning of time changed in every sense. It did not register at all, we stood there in disbelief, even while the police took a statement, we hoped for a miracle, which our daughter would open her little eyes and we could hold her and never let go. That was the day I instantly became old.

Sometimes it takes everything you have to carry on. Wake up and face a new day. Be part of something you are supposed to be part of. To do what is expected from you.

Strangely, you adopt different coping mechanisms to stay focussed. We have to stay focussed for our son on the verge of adulthood. How difficult must it be for an 18-year-old boy on the one hand to plan his future and to be excited about it and on the other hand, having this enormous emptiness like us his parents, about his future forever changed without his little sister? He adored Melinde’ from birth. I remember that people had to ask for his permission before picking up Melinde’ after she was born. He was like a roaring lion protecting her, always on the lookout for her. I was informed several times by his kindergarten teacher that he would stand up during the middle of a class and walk out to visit Melinde’ in the baby-room to see if she was happy, maybe she was missing him, or just because he wanted to be with her.

What used to be in you is not there anymore. You see everything differently. You force your brain to take control of your heart. Not in a negative way. You find yourself analysing your state of emotions before you make a phone call to family and friends. It is not at all similar to the past when you just picked up a phone and made a spontaneous call. As I said in my first post, the road of grief is undeniably the loneliest road thinkable. It is not over after the memorial service or funeral when everyone goes back to his or her lives. That is when slowly, your journey down grief highway and the harsh reality begins. It is our son’s final year in school, with every new era, every event the raw emotions surface. We were supposed to have another 4 years of “school” and now…… ?

It is your life now. I have read that time change into before and after. Some days I feel as if I can conquer the world in Melinde’s honour, and then some days as if I am lost and drowning in the heartache of our gorgeous Melinde’s absence. It is an absence, which I am aware of constantly.

Recently I had an interesting conversation with an expert in this field on how the body and mind are connected. You experience your lows more intensely, more fragile in your emotions if you do not look after yourself. I am referring to how you take care of your health. Your body automatically stores your feelings. That is why it is so important to express your feelings. For crying out loud, you have tears for a reason, make use of this powerful function of your body. Think about it, after a good cry session you feel a bit relieved, don’t you? Applicable to both genders, male and female. I do not know about you, but I cannot recall hearing about anyone who said that they were born without the ability to cry?

After sharing all these emotions and thoughts, we can still be thankful for many daily blessings. Our son is undeniably our biggest blessing. We have the opportunity to start each day with renewed energy, to try again, maybe go the extra mile to become a more enriched person. Continue to care and provide for your loved ones.

Breath, these emotions too shall pass, until a next time, give your best.

Because if you believe, signs turn up everywhere.

Kindest regards,

Liesel

Spread kindness like confetti!

Many years ago, I worked for a removal company and had to do a quotation at an organisation within our local police service who specialized in child welfare/protection. A typical government organisation atmosphere, with old furniture and nothing inviting about it. On the walls, there were notice boards and posters regarding child-line emergency numbers etc. One specific poster made a huge impact on me.

It stated a list of basic needs of children:

To be loved, to have a roof over their head, to have food on the table… to name a few.

When you look around the world there is so much violence, hatred, cruelty, grief and selfishness, one cannot help to wonder where these feelings/ emotions were born? What happened to kindness, humanity, and love for your neighbour? Leon Logothetis a Journalist and writer travel around the world relying only on kindness from strangers. He cannot accept money. He travels in a 1972 Volkswagen Beetle from Alaska to Argentina, definitely with its challenges. This is his second trip in search of kindness so he named the Bug, Kindness 2. Such an inviting name for the yellow Bug.

While watching the series and wanting to be a part of this selfless journey, it was just another affirmation that kindness is probably one of the few gestures that one can give and feel more enriched when walking away. An eye-opener to how many people have kind hearts and want to help. Mostly the people who have the least who are the most willing to help, offer shelter, food and gas. He travelled to the most remote destinations on his journey stretching from Alaska down to Argentina. 4 seasons including every type of weather condition you can imagine. (To be expected if you travel from the Northern hemisphere to the southern hemisphere within a few days.) Snow, Temperatures as low as -30C, salt lakes, majestic mountain sceneries, beautiful beaches as far as the eye can see, summer nights with new friends.

Architecture from the 1600’s and wondering how on earth they manage to build structures still standing today with the few resources they had back then. Different cuisines from the so many different cultures he interacted with. Different cultures, tribes, the most interesting people each one with his/her own unique story to tell. And then he asks the question, why are you being kind to me? The universal answer is mainly that at some point in time that person was helped by a stranger, and they believe in paying it forward, or something awful happened in their lives and they had an in-depth realisation of what is important in life.

Anne Frank quoted in her famous diaries: How wonderful it is that nobody need wait a single moment before starting to improve the world.

A school very dear to me change their motto every year. The moto for 2019 was … Spread kindness like confetti….. On 12^th August 2020 exactly 1 year ago we had to say goodbye to our Baby Angel in heaven. Her kind heart at such a young age is admirable, to be able to believe that there are still good in this world. The thought crossed my mind that we as humans focus to sometimes only see and search for the negative, the gossip, fault finding in other human beings, we do not realise that we miss to see the greater picture.

I certainly am grateful for each person who was and still are part of our children’s lives. To know that many love our children, create a grateful heart. It is ultimately about them. You will be amazed by the impact that children can have on grownups lives. Never let the age fool you.

Imagine what the world could be like in 10 years if we start teaching our children kindness, tolerance, respect - how different will people be towards each other? How different will this world be?

Because if you believe, signs turn up everywhere.

Kindest regards, and enjoy the change in season.

Liesel