Then this happens without any
warning. The raw emotions surface again, like so many times before. You find
yourself reading snippets of this and that. Anything to try to make the
hurt/emptiness a little less hurtful and empty. What does it mean to hurt a
little less? Is it even possible to
hurt a little less? The question has
crossed my mind if one can ever find closure after you had to let go of your
child, your heartbeat, your breath, your reason for trying harder.
Then the memories. Early morning
lunchbox preparations, planning everything around schoolwork, project
timelines, oral rehearsals, preparing
for examinations, to stay awake with them until late at night because you feel
selfish if you can relax and go to sleep while your child is still preparing
for the next day in class. Sports day events, their growth in getting
independent gradually. Weekend and holiday planning. Walking into a clothing
store only to realise the reason was that you saw an outfit that suites her
taste. I find myself walking into a
grocery store, directly to the fruit section to pick her favourite fruits.
To hear, I love you mommy, you
are my BFF, we will be besties forever, the spontaneous kiss on the cheek, the
girly chats we had in her room, daydreaming about everything, her dreams, her
worries, career choices, and the list is endless. How can you close the part of
your life that bought you so much joy and fulfilment? Future memories supposed
to be, which will never be. You can only
imagine what it could have been.
You wake up in the morning with
your to-do list ready. You take the to-do list on with determination and hope
that you can complete at least one of the written chores identified by
yourself. You feel proud of yourself if
you have completed at least one.
Unconsciously you are keeping a record on how you are trying to improve
to become the in charge, the hands-on person you once were. Again the before
and after awareness. The to-do list is
changing into a to-do, when I feel like it, maybe tomorrow, shortly, is it
necessary, whatever, whenever, does it
have eternal value?
I find myself replaying the day our Angel
seized to play. It happens daily. One
moment that I do remember and never will forget was the moment the doctor on
call informed us that our beautiful Melinde’s heart stopped, it has been to
long……., they cannot do anything more, and mine kept on beating. The meaning of time changed in every sense.
It did not register at all, we stood there in disbelief, even while the police
took a statement, we hoped for a miracle, which our daughter would open her
little eyes and we could hold her and never let go. That was the day I instantly became old.
Sometimes it takes everything you
have to carry on. Wake up and face a new day. Be part of something you are
supposed to be part of. To do what is expected from you.
Strangely, you adopt different
coping mechanisms to stay focussed. We have to stay focussed for our son on the
verge of adulthood. How difficult must it be for an 18-year-old boy on the one
hand to plan his future and to be excited about it and on the other hand,
having this enormous emptiness like us his parents, about his future forever
changed without his little sister? He adored Melinde’ from birth. I remember
that people had to ask for his permission before picking up Melinde’ after she
was born. He was like a roaring lion protecting her, always on the lookout for
her. I was informed several times by his
kindergarten teacher that he would stand up during the middle of a class and walk
out to visit Melinde’ in the baby-room to see if she was happy, maybe she was
missing him, or just because he wanted to be with her.
What used to be in you is not there anymore. You see everything differently. You force your brain to take control of your heart. Not in a negative way. You find yourself analysing your state of emotions before you make a phone call to family and friends. It is not at all similar to the past when you just picked up a phone and made a spontaneous call. As I said in my first post, the road of grief is undeniably the loneliest road thinkable. It is not over after the memorial service or funeral when everyone goes back to his or her lives. That is when slowly, your journey down grief highway and the harsh reality begins. It is our son’s final year in school, with every new era, every event the raw emotions surface. We were supposed to have another 4 years of “school” and now…… ?
It is your life now. I have read
that time change into before and after.
Some days I feel as if I can conquer the world in Melinde’s honour, and
then some days as if I am lost and drowning in the heartache of our gorgeous
Melinde’s absence. It is an absence, which I am aware of constantly.
Recently I had an interesting
conversation with an expert in this field on how the body and mind are
connected. You experience your lows more intensely, more fragile in your
emotions if you do not look after yourself. I am referring to how you take care
of your health. Your body automatically stores your feelings. That is why it is
so important to express your feelings. For crying out loud, you have tears for
a reason, make use of this powerful function of your body. Think about it,
after a good cry session you feel a bit relieved, don’t you? Applicable to both
genders, male and female. I do not know about you, but I cannot recall hearing
about anyone who said that they were born without the ability to cry?
After sharing all these emotions
and thoughts, we can still be thankful for many daily blessings. Our son is
undeniably our biggest blessing. We have
the opportunity to start each day with renewed energy, to try again, maybe go
the extra mile to become a more enriched person. Continue to care and provide
for your loved ones.
Breath, these emotions too shall pass, until a next time,
give your best.
Because if you
believe, signs turn up everywhere.
Kindest regards,
Liesel